Building Character
Learning how to Change
The Next Level of Sobriety
December 16, 2024
By Dave D
“We had lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values had to come first, and that material satisfactions were not the purpose of living.” — 12&12 Step Seven, p.71
After re-rereading chapter 7 in the 12&12 it’s become pretty clear to me (finally) that Bill W and Dr. Bob had discovered, after sorting through the debris of their alcoholism, that Character and Spirituality MUST come first for them (and us), before and above any material wealth or satisfactions.
How did I miss that the first few times I read it? Looking back on my own experience, it’s obvious that searching for wealth and satisfaction in a wasteland of failed selfishness and self-centeredness (my own character defects) was a complete waste of time. It’s like looking for apples in the oranges section at the grocery store; It’s a useless hunt for anything that I really need - aside from an understanding of what DOES NOT produce a wealth of knowledge, or any kind of satisfaction with life.
But what a fortuitous insight for the AA founders to share with us; that wealth and satisfaction are NOT the purpose of living… that, instead, having a strong moral character and deep spiritual values is the only thing that meets that objective.
Wow. That’s a profound statement, and a lot to take in. “The Purpose of Living”… is “Character and deep spiritual values”. Wow wow wow!
OK then… what is this thing called ”character”, where can we get it, and why is it so highly sought after - and so strenuously avoided?
Character? What’s That?
What do we mean when we say someone (or something) has character? Well, as I see it, there are 3 primary types of character (each has its own positive and negative manifestations) that might put this in perspective:
Personal character - the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. I’ve observed that someone with “character” exhibits personal traits that are highly passionate, enthusiastic and insightful. This is the kind of character that we’re usually talking about when we talk about building character. In AA they often show up as people who sponsor everyone - maybe not individually, but they certainly sponsor all of us when they speak. They are infused with character and deep spiritual values that embody the AA principles. Two of my sponsors had strong personalities: One had a strong character that included a kind of “irreverently righteous” personality and intensity. The other had a strong personal character that was based on “cerebral righteousness” and intensity. I admired both of them and have tried to model my own character on some of their qualities. They were Live Action Characters that were polar opposites, but still embraced the same practical code of ethics that AA embodies.
”Character character” - the qualities endowed to characters in a story, similar to Personal Character, mentioned above, but usually fictitious and highly exaggerated.
People are considered to be ”a character” if they have authoritative and unusual or quirky personalities. Fictitious characters may be given absurdly exaggerated personalities or traits, whose attitudes, actions and speech are curiously provocative or amusing (or repulsive and disgusting). We humans often adopt certain traits of our favorite fictitious characters, but most do not not adopt the entire character. We usually cherry pick the desirable traits we want to adopt, or mimic, from literature (or movies). The combination of traits that we hand-pick help us create an unusual or unique personality for ourselves. Note: I don’t want to be a judge of character or dictate what’s right or wrong, but for all our sakes, please adopt traits that are damn good - please!
Inanimate object character - the distinctive character of inanimate objects.
A house may have character if it has certain attributes, like secret passages, unusual windows, antiques everywhere, or spaceship architecture and furniture. The character of an object is “some quality that sets it off from other inanimate things“. For example, a house that has Character is generally considered to be worth more than a house without character. Its character makes it more desirable.
I once bought a mobile home for $28,000. I did nothing to improve the property, but 5 years later I sold it for $94,000. All the value that it had gained came from desirability - and all the desirability came from a housing shortage and a lowered expectation of what was available. So, technically some of its character came from its affordability, and that affordability came from someone's perception of it’s value.
Most people think that it’s intellect which makes a great scientist. They’re wrong: it’s character.
(- A modern adaptation of Albert Einstein)
Born With? or Built With?
It is suggested that certain people are born into, or born with, a ”unique” character or a strong personality. This is not likely true… I can find no evidence to support that theory. But there is lots of evidence to support the theory that character and personality are built by experience - some good, some not so good. And, interesting enough, there’s even some evidence to suggest that “bad” experiences build more good character than ”good” experiences. This would explain why character building has such a bad reputation - and why some people will avoid it at all cost. (I mean, why would anyone want to create ”bad experiences” for themselves just to build good character? LOL, that would be absurd, wouldn’t it?). Either way, there’s almost universal agreement that character is built - not inherited - and there are a vast number of ways to build it, and an equally vast number of ways to destroy it. I suggest you focus on examples of how to build character.
Yes, you are unique, just like everyone else.
— Margaret Mead (American anthropologist)
My own experience
I spent 4 character-building years in the US Marines shortly after graduating from 4 character-building years in High School. My High School years were nothing to be proud of, mind you, but they were character building. I wasn’t a “bad boy” in High School, in fact I was a Boy Scout and a Scout Master, I just wasn’t terribly successful in academia. It turns out, failing gracefully is a character building experience also. I didn’t totally fail at High School though, because at the very last minute (before submitting grades to the school administration), my Government History teacher (who knew I could draw) gave me a very rare opportunity. He told me that if I drew a poster of a plow horse giving it’s all to pull a heavy blade through hard ground, while a jackass sits stubbornly by, watching and refusing to work, he’d give me a passing grade - which would allow me to graduate with my class (and my ass). It was humiliating, but I was willing to be humiliated if it meant I would graduate, so I did it and… and it was great! Mr. Schulz liked it so I passed government class with a thin shred of self respect, and I graduated with all the other knuckleheads in my class. I learned a valuable lesson from that experience, which I think was this: “I was better at art than I was at American Government - or pretty much any other academic subject”. (He recommended I become an artist, not a historian. Despite his insightful recommendation, I became a technologist, and did pretty well, but he was probably right… I should have become an artist). - Character built.
Years later, in the Marine Corps, my artistic abilities saved me again. In my eighth month of Aviation Electronics school in Jacksonville, Florida, I accidentally disobeyed a direct order from the Commanding Officer (it really was an accident). It’s a long story, but briefly, I was in jeopardy of losing my rank and my face when the Commanding Officer called me into his office and told me that if I painted a picture for the barracks Sargent (whatever he wanted) he would drop all the charges and I could carry on as if nothing had happened. I agreed (duh!). The Sargent said he wanted a big 4’ x 4’ painting of the Marine Corp Emblem, on wood, using oil paints, to hang behind his desk. They bought all the art supplies and gave me all the time I needed in his office to finish it. It took me a couple of months but it turned out freakin’ fantastic, I was really impressed with my work! (It’s OK to do that.) The Sargent was extremely pleased with it to, so my record was struck clean - and he got a pretty sweet deal too, because the finished project turned out to be very popular with the upper echelon, and it was right behind HIS desk… amends made and Character built.
Character Building be like…
Just to be sure, we’re talking about character building, not necessarily about personality building… there is a difference. Briefly it could be summarized as …
“’Personality’ refers to the overall pattern of a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, encompassing both positive and negative aspects; as the sum total of their experiences, hopes, wishes, dreams and aspirations, while…
“’Character’ specifically refers to a person's moral and ethical qualities, focusing on the values and principles that guide their behavior, particularly in terms of right and wrong.” Our Character becomes part of our Personality.
So, Character Building is basically the practice of building, or strengthening, our personality based on the adoption of values and principles that guide us to become emotionally stronger, more independent, and better at dealing with problems.
It looks like there is overwhelming agreement amongst experts (and amateurs) that, despite the fact that life can get pretty rough, even hopeless at times, seeking wealth and satisfaction at such a time is NOT the cure for our discomfort and anxiety… but strong moral character and a deeply spiritual perspective is. Why is that true?
Well, when things around you are taking a turn for the worse, pleasure and comfort might make you feel better, but it will not ensure your survival. This is especially true if your survival requires you to do something extremely difficult or demanding; in which case …
Strong moral character enables us to overcome our tendency to roll over and play dead in the face of adversity and personal challenge, and…
Deep spirituality helps us accept our difficulties and rise to meet them, despite our desire to do the opposite.
This has been demonstrated over and over throughout human history; that, despite the odds against us, strong character, right thinking and great personal sacrifice has ensured the survival of our species.
Here’s a diagram of “strong moral character”:
—> Strong moral character involves…
—> Right Thinking, which involves …
—> Morality, which is the use of …
—> Principles, which are …
—> Guides, established by humanity to prevent our behavior from reducing the odds of our survival.
Try not to color outside the lines
AA has 12 ”Principles” (Corresponding to the 12 Steps of AA) that establish guidelines intended to prevent us from self-destructing, and which help us build our character.
Acceptance
Hope
Faith
Courage
Honesty
Patience
Humility
Willingness
Brotherly-love
Integrity
Self-discipline
Service
Note: The only place I can find a “set of principles”, officially documented by AA as “Principles of AA”, is in Step 12. In that step the book says “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice THESE PRINCIPLES in all our affairs”, thus clearly defining the 12 Steps as the 12 Principles of AA.
However, AA Groups are autonomous, and as such are free to make their own decisions and declarations as long as it does hurt anyone or AA as a whole. If an AA group adopts a set of principles as their own AA principles, to my knowledge, there is no AA rule that prevents them from doing that.
Interesting factoid: Apparently some AA’s believe there are 36 Principles of AA. I’ve heard it put that way before, and it seems to be justifiable when you think of them in terms of the 12 Steps - PLUS - The 12 Traditions and- PLUS - the 12 Concepts of World Service. A total of 36 Principles. 😊
A Personality Change Could Do Us Some Good
The Big Book describes a spiritual experience as a “personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism.”
Since character is absorbed by, and becomes part of our personality, if we build our character we change our personality. If we change our personally sufficiently, we will bring about our own recovery from alcoholism.
The 12 steps of AA are very much character building… and, considering how some of us look and feel when we get to AA, and how we look and feel after we’ve been sober a while, character building is apparently also perfectly suited to make you look good and feel good too. I’m jus’ sayin’…
Getting sober is so difficult for some of us, that we’d rather just stay sober than try to get sober… again.
I have come to the conclusion that hardship and suffering is not all that life has to offer, nor should it be. Love and education rounds one out and helps us integrate our endurance for suffering with an understanding of what it means to be human. This is why hardship is considered Character Building.
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
(- Helen Keller)
Other Guidelines to Consider
Here’s something else to add to your arsenal of “protective” knowledge… these principles will also provide you with guidance in building your character.
The 7 Hawaiian Shaman Principles (modified to fit your mind):
IKE (ee-kay) – The world is what you think it is...(in your mind)
KALA (kulla) – There are no limits ...(in your mind)
MAKIA (Mu-kee-a) – Energy Flows Where Attention Goes ...(in your mind)
MANAWA (Ma-nah-wa) – Now is the moment of power ...(in your mind)
ALOHA (A-low-ha) – To love (someone or something) is to be happy with it/them ...(in your mind)
MANA (Ma-na) – All power comes from within ...(in your mind)
PONO (Po-no) – Effectiveness is the measure of truth … (in your mind)
And, for good measure, no list of principles would be complete without …
The Scout principles, also known as the Scout Law, are 12 guidelines that Scouts try to live by:
Trustworthy: Be truthful and keep promises
Loyal: Show you care about your family, friends, school, country, and Scout leaders
Helpful: Volunteer to help others without expecting anything in return
Friendly: Be a friend to everyone, even those who are different from you
Courteous: Be polite and use good manners
Kind: Treat others as you want to be treated
Obedient: Follow the rules of your family, school, pack, community, and country
Cheerful: Look for the bright side of life and try to help others be happy
Thrifty: Work to pay your own way and use resources wisely
Brave: Face difficult situations even when you're afraid
Clean: Keep your body and mind fit, and help keep your community and home clean
Reverent: Be faithful in your religious duties, respect the beliefs of others, and be reverent toward God
Hmm… Should I Go to the Dark Side or Use The Force?
In this chat I’ve tried to help us focus on what it takes to change, and what it takes to get through difficult times. What it takes to go from being a victim to being a survivor. And what it takes to pay attention to the best human values and principles instead of the worst, because, to build your character you must change.
If you’re like some people, when someone suggests that you do such-and-such, you may be tempted to do the exact opposite; not so much because you want to do something that will make your life worse - again - but because you want to see if doing it REALLY IS the wrong thing to do … so you can compare it to what you get when you, finally, do the “right” thing.
Some of what I’ve written here looks and sounds a lot like “lists”, lists of what to do to be a good person. I dislike lists; partly because they are a constant reminder of what I will surely fail to do (“going to the Dark Side”) and partly because to me, lists are the lazy alternative to learning principles. It’s like memorizing what to do in every single driving situation, instead of understanding the traffic laws. Or memorizing every single math problem instead of understanding the rules of math. If I know the principles I don’t need to memorize the list. If I practice the principles I will remember them and they will work their magic on me (”Trust The Force!”). But, seeing reminders of how the principles work is an effective tool for dispelling the Dark Side and reinforcing The Force. Things like prayer, mime’s, sticky notes, and witnessing someone doing the right thing are good reminders of how the principles work. So Trust The Force and build your character.